she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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