i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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