Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
