I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
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He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
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My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.