Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
