oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Randomize
