guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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