I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
