my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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