So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
