oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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