I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
