I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
