cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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