Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
