They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
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don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
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I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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