I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
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