Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
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Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
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okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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