at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
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