I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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