I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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