planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize
