The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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