you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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