Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
