drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
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He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
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Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
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