considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Randomize
