i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Randomize
