I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
jump out the window naked night went bad
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