I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
