Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
