Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
