Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
