If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
sick fucks of a feather flock together
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
