hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
