did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
