soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
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