I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
MIDGETS
????
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
