You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
