You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
