I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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