I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
That's an oxymoron.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.