i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
