I think I am morally bankrupt
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
