Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
We talked him into tasing himself.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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