Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
