Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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