consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Sext me about skeletons
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Randomize
