Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
