I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
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I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
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You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
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