I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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