running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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