I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
