I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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