I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
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